proverbs 4:23

this is definitely my life verse right now....

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (from the ESV Bible)

A lot has happened in my life lately, but sometimes I find it hard to get it out of my head, so bare with me....

First, and foremost, God is changing and renewing my heart daily. For most of my life, I have too too easily entrusted my heart to anyone and everyone. I was THAT girl. tell me you love me and you've pretty much got a free pass to abuse the crap out of me. low self esteem, lack of confidence, not knowing Jesus, and an burning desire to feel loved led to some pretty rotten relationships. But, God has really shown me lately that it is time to lean in to Him and Him alone. It is time to forgive those who have sinned against me, repent of my own sins and start living as an image bearer and heir the the grace of life.

So, here came the hard part.... how do you go about forgiving, repenting, and moving forward in Christ?! For the past year of so, I have worn the pain of back to back failed relationships like a badge of honor. I talked about them in ways that made me look like victim, a woman scorned, and innocent of sin. HA HA HA. nice try. While in my senior year of college, I started dating an old friend... let's call him J. I fell in love quickly. and HARD. I have never experienced so much emotion in my life! Things got very serious (there was talk of weddings, cohabitations, and lots of family intermingling), very quickly. And then, according to my account, things ended very abruptly about 11 months in. Truth be told, we were doomed from the start. I was never the woman he wanted me to be and he was never emotionally present in the way that I craved. My life was all about him, his was all about work. I was an afterthought to him, whereas he was my world. My life was shattered when he called me and said it was over. I felt like I could never go on. Picking up the pieces seemed too daunting. Too quickly, for my liking, after we ended, he was engaged to someone else. I have no idea if they are married already or not, but lately I have been struggling so hard with forgiving him for breaking my heart is such a way that even today, almost 2 years later, I am still not healed. This Sunday, however, the Holy Spirit filled my pastor with words so powerful and so convicting, I am seeing light at the end of this looooooooong dark tunnel. While my pastor was railing against men not loving their wives in Christ-like ways, it hit me. J would have never been right for me. I didn't know Jesus when we were together, but even then I was searching desperately for a man that would not only protect, honor, respect, appreciate me, but would also show me the intense kind of love that Christ shows his bride, the church. I know that God has MUCH better plans for me than a marriage to a man that would love on my body, but not my soul.

Soon after the breakup, I met a new guy... A. I was reeling with the pain and looking for what most people would call a "rebound." With A, I got WAY more than I bargained for. I met Jesus about a month after I met A. He was a Christian, but was struggling with his walk badly. Soon after our tumoltous relationship started, it became sinful. In my own weird way, I loved him and fell for him. But, it was different. I was still not guarding my heart... I gave way too freely of my body, heart, and time. However, I could see that something was different about this guy. When I was upset and I called him crying in the middle of the night, he would read me Matthew 6 or some Psalms rather than just tell me he didn't have time for "the drama." We broke up once because the weight of our sins was weighing heavily on A. Unfortunately I was still way too naive and young of a Christian to "get it." A few weeks later, he called. He really cared for me too and wanted to try again. However, the sins spiraled further out of control and led to our relationship's demise. The day he finally told me that we could not be in each other's lives at all, I lost it. I felt like he had led me to God, led me astray, and then abandoned me. For the next 13 months or so, I would tell stories about him that would paint him to be some sort of emotional wack job let harshly left me. Truthfully, I was freaked. This was my first introduction to Christian dating and I had blown it... I was still living out of my old, corrupt heart. A heart that cared more about pleasure than Scripture.... a heart that didn't truly truly accept Jesus's sacrifice. We didn't speak for over a year. But then, God threw us in to situation after situation together. And we had to face the past. That conversation changed my life. Until last month, I could hear the concept of grace, mercy, and redemption over and over but I didn't really live it. A changed my life when he told me that I was completely forgiven for sinning against him. He told me that even though he regrets the way it all happened, he could never think poorly of me. Our relationship changed him and drew him closer to God. I was bashed over the head with how differently we had reacted. I wish I could say I felt the same as him. Although I had grown closer to God, I was still a slave to sexual sin. I wish I could say the day I met Jesus, I locked my metaphorical chastity belt.... I wish I could even say the day I talked to A I did. But, no, my testimony is rougher than that. The Holy Spirit spoke through A to me that day and really planted the seeds of an heart and aching for chaste relationships. But, it wasn't until St. Patrick's Day (ok.... last week :( ) that God seized my heart fully. I would pray constantly for a heart that loved God above myself and praised Him in everything I did, but on the outside I was still letting the enemy tell me that pleasure was more important and came from men and sin. Last summer, I met and became absolutely enthralled with a guy we can call... F. F and I quickly launched in to an emotionally draining friendship. However, that friendship turned in to a friends with benefits situation. I have been hiding this sin for months. We had a pattern... (he also calls himself a Christian).... we would hook up, feel the heavy pressing of conviction, promise each other to stop, avoid each other for a time, then repeat the whole pattern again. I really cared for him, he had my heart more than he realized. Once again, I ignored the sage wisdom of Proverbs to guard my heart. On St. P day we had another of our "episodes." Two days later, I was thrown off balance (literally) with God convicting me of my sin. I called F to FINALLY FINALLY AND TOTALLY stop the madness. Deep down, I guess though, my heart was crying out to give him once last chance to step up as a man that I could trust to lead me spiritually and in a relationship. He gave me a handful of weak excuses and tried to smooth things over with the usual chant of "I'll do better next time." Well, F, there is no next time. God has captured my heart for His own. I will no longer be a slave to sexual sin. I don't need to degrade myself and my future husband by sleeping around, fooling around, or any other type of non-marital physical contact.