Thursday, March 26, 2009
Daughters of God
In the Bible, we are told that we are created in God's image and likeness. This means that inherently there is beauty in everyone. However, as a woman especially, it is easy to get caught up in "life" and forget that our bodies are another aspect of life that God gives us to steward. I must confess that in the area of stewardship, with both money and my body, I am an epic fail. But let's focus on that image bearing bit... this weekend, my pastor delivered a particularly powerful sermon. It was aimed at the men of my church, but I was also very convicted. More than anything, I was convicted that I neglect my duty to be an image bearer and truly truly live as a daughter of my heavenly father. Daughters worship their daddies. They live to please him, they lean in to him when they need comfort, they expect their daddies to make some heads roll when a foolish boy breaks their heart. I think that I have had such a hard time with my relationship with the lord because of my faulty relationship with my dad. Over the years, I have often referred to him as my "wealthy, older friend who donated half of my DNA." I live in fear of him, but do not respect him. I do not feel protected by him... should a boy break my heart, I think he would be clueless. However, one thing in my relationship with my dad reflects my relationship with God: I would do just about anything to avoid chastising. Which is why it has been on my heart so much lately to take better care of myself. I hate to know that I am disrespecting God by not respecting his creation, me. I sin through my gluttony, sporadic working out, and neglience of mental health.
Monday, March 23, 2009
proverbs 4:23
this is definitely my life verse right now....
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (from the ESV Bible)
A lot has happened in my life lately, but sometimes I find it hard to get it out of my head, so bare with me....
First, and foremost, God is changing and renewing my heart daily. For most of my life, I have too too easily entrusted my heart to anyone and everyone. I was THAT girl. tell me you love me and you've pretty much got a free pass to abuse the crap out of me. low self esteem, lack of confidence, not knowing Jesus, and an burning desire to feel loved led to some pretty rotten relationships. But, God has really shown me lately that it is time to lean in to Him and Him alone. It is time to forgive those who have sinned against me, repent of my own sins and start living as an image bearer and heir the the grace of life.
So, here came the hard part.... how do you go about forgiving, repenting, and moving forward in Christ?! For the past year of so, I have worn the pain of back to back failed relationships like a badge of honor. I talked about them in ways that made me look like victim, a woman scorned, and innocent of sin. HA HA HA. nice try. While in my senior year of college, I started dating an old friend... let's call him J. I fell in love quickly. and HARD. I have never experienced so much emotion in my life! Things got very serious (there was talk of weddings, cohabitations, and lots of family intermingling), very quickly. And then, according to my account, things ended very abruptly about 11 months in. Truth be told, we were doomed from the start. I was never the woman he wanted me to be and he was never emotionally present in the way that I craved. My life was all about him, his was all about work. I was an afterthought to him, whereas he was my world. My life was shattered when he called me and said it was over. I felt like I could never go on. Picking up the pieces seemed too daunting. Too quickly, for my liking, after we ended, he was engaged to someone else. I have no idea if they are married already or not, but lately I have been struggling so hard with forgiving him for breaking my heart is such a way that even today, almost 2 years later, I am still not healed. This Sunday, however, the Holy Spirit filled my pastor with words so powerful and so convicting, I am seeing light at the end of this looooooooong dark tunnel. While my pastor was railing against men not loving their wives in Christ-like ways, it hit me. J would have never been right for me. I didn't know Jesus when we were together, but even then I was searching desperately for a man that would not only protect, honor, respect, appreciate me, but would also show me the intense kind of love that Christ shows his bride, the church. I know that God has MUCH better plans for me than a marriage to a man that would love on my body, but not my soul.
Soon after the breakup, I met a new guy... A. I was reeling with the pain and looking for what most people would call a "rebound." With A, I got WAY more than I bargained for. I met Jesus about a month after I met A. He was a Christian, but was struggling with his walk badly. Soon after our tumoltous relationship started, it became sinful. In my own weird way, I loved him and fell for him. But, it was different. I was still not guarding my heart... I gave way too freely of my body, heart, and time. However, I could see that something was different about this guy. When I was upset and I called him crying in the middle of the night, he would read me Matthew 6 or some Psalms rather than just tell me he didn't have time for "the drama." We broke up once because the weight of our sins was weighing heavily on A. Unfortunately I was still way too naive and young of a Christian to "get it." A few weeks later, he called. He really cared for me too and wanted to try again. However, the sins spiraled further out of control and led to our relationship's demise. The day he finally told me that we could not be in each other's lives at all, I lost it. I felt like he had led me to God, led me astray, and then abandoned me. For the next 13 months or so, I would tell stories about him that would paint him to be some sort of emotional wack job let harshly left me. Truthfully, I was freaked. This was my first introduction to Christian dating and I had blown it... I was still living out of my old, corrupt heart. A heart that cared more about pleasure than Scripture.... a heart that didn't truly truly accept Jesus's sacrifice. We didn't speak for over a year. But then, God threw us in to situation after situation together. And we had to face the past. That conversation changed my life. Until last month, I could hear the concept of grace, mercy, and redemption over and over but I didn't really live it. A changed my life when he told me that I was completely forgiven for sinning against him. He told me that even though he regrets the way it all happened, he could never think poorly of me. Our relationship changed him and drew him closer to God. I was bashed over the head with how differently we had reacted. I wish I could say I felt the same as him. Although I had grown closer to God, I was still a slave to sexual sin. I wish I could say the day I met Jesus, I locked my metaphorical chastity belt.... I wish I could even say the day I talked to A I did. But, no, my testimony is rougher than that. The Holy Spirit spoke through A to me that day and really planted the seeds of an heart and aching for chaste relationships. But, it wasn't until St. Patrick's Day (ok.... last week :( ) that God seized my heart fully. I would pray constantly for a heart that loved God above myself and praised Him in everything I did, but on the outside I was still letting the enemy tell me that pleasure was more important and came from men and sin. Last summer, I met and became absolutely enthralled with a guy we can call... F. F and I quickly launched in to an emotionally draining friendship. However, that friendship turned in to a friends with benefits situation. I have been hiding this sin for months. We had a pattern... (he also calls himself a Christian).... we would hook up, feel the heavy pressing of conviction, promise each other to stop, avoid each other for a time, then repeat the whole pattern again. I really cared for him, he had my heart more than he realized. Once again, I ignored the sage wisdom of Proverbs to guard my heart. On St. P day we had another of our "episodes." Two days later, I was thrown off balance (literally) with God convicting me of my sin. I called F to FINALLY FINALLY AND TOTALLY stop the madness. Deep down, I guess though, my heart was crying out to give him once last chance to step up as a man that I could trust to lead me spiritually and in a relationship. He gave me a handful of weak excuses and tried to smooth things over with the usual chant of "I'll do better next time." Well, F, there is no next time. God has captured my heart for His own. I will no longer be a slave to sexual sin. I don't need to degrade myself and my future husband by sleeping around, fooling around, or any other type of non-marital physical contact.
Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.
Proverbs 4:23 (from the ESV Bible)
A lot has happened in my life lately, but sometimes I find it hard to get it out of my head, so bare with me....
First, and foremost, God is changing and renewing my heart daily. For most of my life, I have too too easily entrusted my heart to anyone and everyone. I was THAT girl. tell me you love me and you've pretty much got a free pass to abuse the crap out of me. low self esteem, lack of confidence, not knowing Jesus, and an burning desire to feel loved led to some pretty rotten relationships. But, God has really shown me lately that it is time to lean in to Him and Him alone. It is time to forgive those who have sinned against me, repent of my own sins and start living as an image bearer and heir the the grace of life.
So, here came the hard part.... how do you go about forgiving, repenting, and moving forward in Christ?! For the past year of so, I have worn the pain of back to back failed relationships like a badge of honor. I talked about them in ways that made me look like victim, a woman scorned, and innocent of sin. HA HA HA. nice try. While in my senior year of college, I started dating an old friend... let's call him J. I fell in love quickly. and HARD. I have never experienced so much emotion in my life! Things got very serious (there was talk of weddings, cohabitations, and lots of family intermingling), very quickly. And then, according to my account, things ended very abruptly about 11 months in. Truth be told, we were doomed from the start. I was never the woman he wanted me to be and he was never emotionally present in the way that I craved. My life was all about him, his was all about work. I was an afterthought to him, whereas he was my world. My life was shattered when he called me and said it was over. I felt like I could never go on. Picking up the pieces seemed too daunting. Too quickly, for my liking, after we ended, he was engaged to someone else. I have no idea if they are married already or not, but lately I have been struggling so hard with forgiving him for breaking my heart is such a way that even today, almost 2 years later, I am still not healed. This Sunday, however, the Holy Spirit filled my pastor with words so powerful and so convicting, I am seeing light at the end of this looooooooong dark tunnel. While my pastor was railing against men not loving their wives in Christ-like ways, it hit me. J would have never been right for me. I didn't know Jesus when we were together, but even then I was searching desperately for a man that would not only protect, honor, respect, appreciate me, but would also show me the intense kind of love that Christ shows his bride, the church. I know that God has MUCH better plans for me than a marriage to a man that would love on my body, but not my soul.
Soon after the breakup, I met a new guy... A. I was reeling with the pain and looking for what most people would call a "rebound." With A, I got WAY more than I bargained for. I met Jesus about a month after I met A. He was a Christian, but was struggling with his walk badly. Soon after our tumoltous relationship started, it became sinful. In my own weird way, I loved him and fell for him. But, it was different. I was still not guarding my heart... I gave way too freely of my body, heart, and time. However, I could see that something was different about this guy. When I was upset and I called him crying in the middle of the night, he would read me Matthew 6 or some Psalms rather than just tell me he didn't have time for "the drama." We broke up once because the weight of our sins was weighing heavily on A. Unfortunately I was still way too naive and young of a Christian to "get it." A few weeks later, he called. He really cared for me too and wanted to try again. However, the sins spiraled further out of control and led to our relationship's demise. The day he finally told me that we could not be in each other's lives at all, I lost it. I felt like he had led me to God, led me astray, and then abandoned me. For the next 13 months or so, I would tell stories about him that would paint him to be some sort of emotional wack job let harshly left me. Truthfully, I was freaked. This was my first introduction to Christian dating and I had blown it... I was still living out of my old, corrupt heart. A heart that cared more about pleasure than Scripture.... a heart that didn't truly truly accept Jesus's sacrifice. We didn't speak for over a year. But then, God threw us in to situation after situation together. And we had to face the past. That conversation changed my life. Until last month, I could hear the concept of grace, mercy, and redemption over and over but I didn't really live it. A changed my life when he told me that I was completely forgiven for sinning against him. He told me that even though he regrets the way it all happened, he could never think poorly of me. Our relationship changed him and drew him closer to God. I was bashed over the head with how differently we had reacted. I wish I could say I felt the same as him. Although I had grown closer to God, I was still a slave to sexual sin. I wish I could say the day I met Jesus, I locked my metaphorical chastity belt.... I wish I could even say the day I talked to A I did. But, no, my testimony is rougher than that. The Holy Spirit spoke through A to me that day and really planted the seeds of an heart and aching for chaste relationships. But, it wasn't until St. Patrick's Day (ok.... last week :( ) that God seized my heart fully. I would pray constantly for a heart that loved God above myself and praised Him in everything I did, but on the outside I was still letting the enemy tell me that pleasure was more important and came from men and sin. Last summer, I met and became absolutely enthralled with a guy we can call... F. F and I quickly launched in to an emotionally draining friendship. However, that friendship turned in to a friends with benefits situation. I have been hiding this sin for months. We had a pattern... (he also calls himself a Christian).... we would hook up, feel the heavy pressing of conviction, promise each other to stop, avoid each other for a time, then repeat the whole pattern again. I really cared for him, he had my heart more than he realized. Once again, I ignored the sage wisdom of Proverbs to guard my heart. On St. P day we had another of our "episodes." Two days later, I was thrown off balance (literally) with God convicting me of my sin. I called F to FINALLY FINALLY AND TOTALLY stop the madness. Deep down, I guess though, my heart was crying out to give him once last chance to step up as a man that I could trust to lead me spiritually and in a relationship. He gave me a handful of weak excuses and tried to smooth things over with the usual chant of "I'll do better next time." Well, F, there is no next time. God has captured my heart for His own. I will no longer be a slave to sexual sin. I don't need to degrade myself and my future husband by sleeping around, fooling around, or any other type of non-marital physical contact.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
welcome to..um.... me?
so, here goes... my first blog....in a VERY long time. I used to write like a maniac in college, but after an incident remniscent of something out of a bad teen movie, I quit. My sophomore year in college, I had a nasty battle with bulimia, image issues, and my residents (I was a newbie RA with non-traditional students (aka: some were old enough to be my parents, all were incredibly lacking in the social skills department)). Anyway, I used to write it all out... EVERYTHING. Cheap therapy it may have been, but not a wise idea for someone trying to "hide" a myriad of problems. Truthfully, I was desperately grasping for help. But, back to the story... the last day of move-out, I had had a particularly nasty run-in with my least favorite queen bee (oh R, how truly evil you seemed. but it's ok, i know you are just scared, immature, and insecure, and I forgive you for all the awful things you did that year. including almost getting me fired over a rumor.) I wake up the next morning to find her "parting gift": the most intense of my blog entried printed, highlighted, copied and pasted to look more scandalous, and posted all over our dorm. Wow. Does that actually happen to anyone?! yep, guess so folks.
so, why start blogging again now? And what's with the title? well, a major thing has changed in my life since those early bare my heart, cry, then go puke days. God. I wouldn't say that I was a total heathen before. But, Jesus captured my heart, mind, and life in the late fall of 2007. Being the analytical person God created me to be, sometimes I just need to "journal it out." So, this, my friends, is a spiritual Captain's Log of sorts. And that title? Well, it is how we as Christians are called to work out our faith, with fear and trembling.
So here is the rundown so far....
I hate the title "born again Christian." I hate the when people talk about how they got saved or how they met Jesus. Guess I always have. Even those these are concepts I live and breathe everyday, I cringe every time some "Jesus freak" (yes I am fully aware that I get called this behind my back, but why not wear it like a badge of honor? If the gays can reclaim queer, I am reclaiming Jesus freak. holler.) asks me how I got saved and what my life as a non-Christian was like. Maybe I am an anamoly in the non-denominational world, but I doubt it. I bet no one else just wants to speak up for fear of being labelled "not Christian enough."
I am fairly liberal in my beliefs, but hey I am a Christian in Seattle, what else would you expect?! Currently, I am a member of one of the most prominent (and feared/hated/loved.... depends on who you ask) non-denominational Christian churches in the city. Yes, our preaching pastor is an outspoken Calvinist, yes we DO want you to get married and have kids (like...NOW), yes we do love Jesus, and yes we DO love YOU, even if you are a pot-smoking hippie with illegitimate babies. I firmly firmly believe that salvation comes through faith in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice and this belief alone. "Being a good person" will get you NOWHERE. However, as a Christian, I have the privilege of having a heart to follow God's will. I WANT to not get drunk, to not have sex premaritally (ok, I'm working on that one, but come on... I am a human after all!). I WANT to read my Bible, pray, tell people about Jesus. I am not bound to rules and laws, I get to do these things. It is so freeing to know that I can not lose my salvation. God will not leave me or forsake me. I might stray... I might end up drunk, gossiping, or neglecting to read my Bible, but I am STILL LOVED. I am by no means an expert in theology, nor do I have it "all figured out," but I know with every fiber of my being that I am going to heaven. And I couldn't be more excited.
I really think that the evangelists shown in today's media give God's people such a bad name. If you are reading this and you belive in the Prosperity Gospel, works, or watch "church" on tv on Sunday mornings, you may want to go do that right now.... I am about to lay the smack down on your viewpoint, but with love, of course ;) If you are a new Christian, you probably know what I mean when I say, Jesus is NOT your cure-all. I found God, but I am still broke, single, out of shape, and sometimes crabby (sorry catch me before that morning caffeine jolt and you'll wish you had chosen to wrestle a rabid Grizzly bear instead). Your life may, and realistically, will, still suck. However, that suffering gets easier. Jesus won't wave his magic wand and give you a Lexus with smooth leather seats and a sunroof, but He will be there to walk through it all with you. For the chosen, life on Earth is the worst we will ever have it. No matter how many good deeds you do, you can't earn your way in to heaven. It's all about faith, my friends. While we are on the subject of the church and prosperity... let's talk about giving. I tell my Sunday school students (who are freaking rad, btw) every week that God gives us everything so it is natural that we give some back to support the mission of spreading the good news of the gospel. However, I do NOT believe in the "religious" ideal of giving a fixed amount. or that giving this amount or more will buy you a way in to God's good graces. Paul tells the church at Corinth in 1st Corinthians that we should be cheerful, sacrificial givers. So, for me, giving my time and a few bucks here and there is a huge sacrifice (I told you I am SO Seattle... I got laid off from my "grown up" job so now make lattes... you can guess where ;) )... but, for someone else, time and a few bucks wouldn't even be noticeable to them. Get my point? So next time you walk in to a mega church that exhorts non-members, non-Christians, college students, the unemployed, and single moms to give 10%... RUN. (sidenote: not all megachurches are bad... and not all Prosperity Gospel churches are bad... if that's your scene and you love Jesus... holler. it's just not for me.)
Well, that's me. I could talk about "God stuff" all night, but let's face it.. I have a dog to walk, mounds of laundry to do, and a car that won't wash itself (however... it should. that would be rad). I know that I can be kinda wordy and a bit blunt, but I hope if you get anything from this post, it's this.... It doesn't matter who you are, have been, or what you have done. God is real and He wants to welcome you in to His family. Being a Christian does not need to be a stuffy, colorless existence full of rigid morals and judgements.
so, why start blogging again now? And what's with the title? well, a major thing has changed in my life since those early bare my heart, cry, then go puke days. God. I wouldn't say that I was a total heathen before. But, Jesus captured my heart, mind, and life in the late fall of 2007. Being the analytical person God created me to be, sometimes I just need to "journal it out." So, this, my friends, is a spiritual Captain's Log of sorts. And that title? Well, it is how we as Christians are called to work out our faith, with fear and trembling.
So here is the rundown so far....
I hate the title "born again Christian." I hate the when people talk about how they got saved or how they met Jesus. Guess I always have. Even those these are concepts I live and breathe everyday, I cringe every time some "Jesus freak" (yes I am fully aware that I get called this behind my back, but why not wear it like a badge of honor? If the gays can reclaim queer, I am reclaiming Jesus freak. holler.) asks me how I got saved and what my life as a non-Christian was like. Maybe I am an anamoly in the non-denominational world, but I doubt it. I bet no one else just wants to speak up for fear of being labelled "not Christian enough."
I am fairly liberal in my beliefs, but hey I am a Christian in Seattle, what else would you expect?! Currently, I am a member of one of the most prominent (and feared/hated/loved.... depends on who you ask) non-denominational Christian churches in the city. Yes, our preaching pastor is an outspoken Calvinist, yes we DO want you to get married and have kids (like...NOW), yes we do love Jesus, and yes we DO love YOU, even if you are a pot-smoking hippie with illegitimate babies. I firmly firmly believe that salvation comes through faith in Jesus Christ and his sacrifice and this belief alone. "Being a good person" will get you NOWHERE. However, as a Christian, I have the privilege of having a heart to follow God's will. I WANT to not get drunk, to not have sex premaritally (ok, I'm working on that one, but come on... I am a human after all!). I WANT to read my Bible, pray, tell people about Jesus. I am not bound to rules and laws, I get to do these things. It is so freeing to know that I can not lose my salvation. God will not leave me or forsake me. I might stray... I might end up drunk, gossiping, or neglecting to read my Bible, but I am STILL LOVED. I am by no means an expert in theology, nor do I have it "all figured out," but I know with every fiber of my being that I am going to heaven. And I couldn't be more excited.
I really think that the evangelists shown in today's media give God's people such a bad name. If you are reading this and you belive in the Prosperity Gospel, works, or watch "church" on tv on Sunday mornings, you may want to go do that right now.... I am about to lay the smack down on your viewpoint, but with love, of course ;) If you are a new Christian, you probably know what I mean when I say, Jesus is NOT your cure-all. I found God, but I am still broke, single, out of shape, and sometimes crabby (sorry catch me before that morning caffeine jolt and you'll wish you had chosen to wrestle a rabid Grizzly bear instead). Your life may, and realistically, will, still suck. However, that suffering gets easier. Jesus won't wave his magic wand and give you a Lexus with smooth leather seats and a sunroof, but He will be there to walk through it all with you. For the chosen, life on Earth is the worst we will ever have it. No matter how many good deeds you do, you can't earn your way in to heaven. It's all about faith, my friends. While we are on the subject of the church and prosperity... let's talk about giving. I tell my Sunday school students (who are freaking rad, btw) every week that God gives us everything so it is natural that we give some back to support the mission of spreading the good news of the gospel. However, I do NOT believe in the "religious" ideal of giving a fixed amount. or that giving this amount or more will buy you a way in to God's good graces. Paul tells the church at Corinth in 1st Corinthians that we should be cheerful, sacrificial givers. So, for me, giving my time and a few bucks here and there is a huge sacrifice (I told you I am SO Seattle... I got laid off from my "grown up" job so now make lattes... you can guess where ;) )... but, for someone else, time and a few bucks wouldn't even be noticeable to them. Get my point? So next time you walk in to a mega church that exhorts non-members, non-Christians, college students, the unemployed, and single moms to give 10%... RUN. (sidenote: not all megachurches are bad... and not all Prosperity Gospel churches are bad... if that's your scene and you love Jesus... holler. it's just not for me.)
Well, that's me. I could talk about "God stuff" all night, but let's face it.. I have a dog to walk, mounds of laundry to do, and a car that won't wash itself (however... it should. that would be rad). I know that I can be kinda wordy and a bit blunt, but I hope if you get anything from this post, it's this.... It doesn't matter who you are, have been, or what you have done. God is real and He wants to welcome you in to His family. Being a Christian does not need to be a stuffy, colorless existence full of rigid morals and judgements.
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